I'm adapting things from my old broken blog that I can't get working again. So if you've stumbled upon this gem in an earlier form someplace else, which you haven't because no one read my previous blog and no one reads this, you're not crazy. You did kind of read this before, even though I made changes and stuff. And I did go back to another wedding, so it's plenty relevant.
I recently went home for a wedding. It was a good enough wedding, as hometown weddings go. It wasn't dry, which is the usual fatal flaw of the hometown wedding. "God doesn't want us to drink!" is all the explanation you will ever get from the six month pregnant bride for this atrocity, despite the fact that I'm pretty sure that my own personal hell is a eternal dry wedding back with you folks, only with a more fire and less country music. (The legions of hell went on strike for that a thousand years ago. Hail Satan, Vote Union. Honest wages for honest flay).
I knew it was going to be a little bit dull, and that there weren't going to be all that many people still around, but despite my low expectations, I still managed to underestimate just how grim my trip home would be.
The basic problem is this:
1) The price of copper is near an all time high. I don't care if you trade commodities at Goldman Sachs, you will never follow the copper market as closely as the resident of a methed out small town. Think of it like following the price of oil in some yet-to-be-liberated Middle Eastern country - at a certain price point, you know that shit is going to hit the fan and there's nothing you can really do about it. People are going to start tearing it out of every abandoned building they can find to sell for scrap. There are a lot to find in my small town --- they abandoned middle school, the abandoned high school, the abandoned airport, the abandoned shoe factory --- but eventually they run out and start scavenging a little closer to living tissue and people start getting their homes invaded and farmers have to lock up much more than their daughters and their anhydrous.
2) All the good people are gone, all the bad people are still there and have gotten worse. The reason they good people are gone is the same reason I liked them - they had things that they actually wanted to do. Any thing worth doing can only be done someplace else, and so they left. The worst people, who resented anyone who "thought they was better," by, you know, "trying at things" and "learning to read" all have like 8 kids and have been marinating in Fox News paranoia for the past decade or so.
If you've seen Idiocracy, you might have some idea of what this will entail. All the stupid people breed and all the good people die out. You see, not everyone leaves, just the people with ambition and intelligence who, additionally, happen to give a shit.
A better explanation, though, as the intelligence and quality of mankind as a whole remains the same, would be the Dead Sea. All the kids flow down the river Jordan that is high school. The good ones, the water molecules, evaporate with the sunlight, while the stupid people, the salt, remain behind, making the town extra salty and extra shitty.
The problem with this kind of elitism lies in the fact that I'm back here, and that my completely accurate model doesn't jibe with the fact that I'm back here and my own self-important view of myself as a water molecule.
So I'm gonna mix some metaphors. I'm not just a water molecule, I'm also a salmon returning to its home river to spawn. Only I'm not going to spawn because everything is fucking salty, and so all the other fish are dead and I'm going to die too unless I get the hell out of here soon.